To the citizens of the United States of America.
1) The English Language.
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "Like" and "You know" is an unacceptable form of communication. Buy and read a copy of the Oxford dictionary and increase your true English vocabulary.
2) July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
3) You will resolve personal issues without using fire arms. Guns should only be used to shoot grouse. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not ready to be independent. If you cannot sort things out without the help of a lawyer or a therapist, then you are not ready to shoot grouse.
4) Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
5) You will learn to make real chips. Those things that you call french fries are not real chips, and those things that you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and dressed, not with ketchup but with vinegar.
6) You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad not knowing.
7) You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in due time be allowed to play rugby. (This game has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full body armour)
8) Daily tea time begins promptly at 4:00 pm with proper cups and saucers( never mugs) and with high quality biscuits or cake plus strawberries and cream when in season.
God Save the Queen!
